Friday, February 1, 2008

A Letter From Your Vet

A Letter from Your Vet

Welcome to our practice. The following are some suggestions of how to make things easier for you and more interesting for our staff.

As you have already figured out, your scheduled appointment time is just a suggestion. Feel free to ignore it and do as you please. We also enjoy walk-in appointments, especially when the appointment book is full. Make sure you complain loudly when other clients who scheduled appointments beforehand are seen before you. If you are not going to show up, please do not call. We like the suspense of trying to figure out what you are going to do. Sometimes we run bets on it. So as you can see, calling and informing us of your intentions would just take the fun out of our day. Our other clients are all rich and don't mind having to pay extra to go to the emergency vet because we didn't know your appointment time slot would be available.

Verbal abuse is always appreciated. If possible, wait until the waiting room is full. Please be creative in your profanity, we all like to expand our vocabulary as do our clients and their children.

Do not put your dog on a leash or your cat in a carrier. Just let them loose as soon as you walk in. The staff enjoy a little pandemonium and breaking up animal fights. If you do actually use a leash for your dog, make sure it's at least 20 feet long or longer. We enjoy being tripped by leashes, and getting your dog out of our lab. It keeps us on our toes. Or better yet, just let the leash loose on the floor so the dog can roam anywhere it wants while the leash drags behind, especially if there is urine or feces on the floor that it can drag through.

Bring as many small children as possible. Three or more are preferred. If you don't have that many, borrow from your neighbors (look for the poorly behaved ones). Make sure they all have juice and crayons because we all love to clean. Also, we encourage then to jump on the furniture, play roughly with the hospital cat, go through the drawers, and crawl around on the floors. Bringing several very, very young children is encouraged when we have the dreaded duty of euthanasia. We enjoy the heartwrenching sound of crying children that are too young to understand what is happening.

Making an appointment time when your child is too sick to go to school with some Ebola-like disease is a great way to use your free time. We love getting your children's diseases. It reminds us of our childhoods. Making an appointment time when you are too sick to go to work also pleases us as well. We often enjoy being short staffed and having the flu bug now and again to remind us to update our own flu vaccines.

Do not bring any prior records as we request. Calling other clinics gives us time to catch up with old friends. Our other clients don't mind waiting 20 minutes past their appointment times while records are faxed. They don't have anywhere else to be anyways.

We're just kidding when we suggest that you bring stool or urine samples in. That's gross. We'll just get it off our waiting room floor when your unattended dog relieves him/herself everywhere. Also, if your pet does go the the bathroom on our floor, please do not inform us. We like our other clients to see the messes and have a chance to spread it further around the clinic. It keeps our cleaning staff busier.

Please feel free to stay on your cell phone as long as you like. We have all day to wait for you. Certainly answer your cell phone during the appointment and have a long conversation with your significant other about which type of apples he/she should pick up at the store. It gives us a chance to catch our breath and mentally go through our own shopping list. Handless headsets are preferred because it really makes it a challenge to figure out if you are talking to us or the person on the phone. Make sure to call us back later that day and ask us questions about all the things we were trying to explain earlier.

When giving information about your pet, please be a vague as possible. The doctor is psychic anyways and can communicate with your pet, so it's just a formality anyways. Please send your teenager or neighbor in with your very sick pet with no information as to what exactly is wrong with the pet, especially if they cannot answer any specific questions and cannot give any authorization for any diagnostics or treatment. We like trying to guess what is wrong and spending time playing phone tag with you before we know what we can do.

Be sure to bring along your spouse who will give us an entirely different history than you do. If this is not possible, you can insist that we call him/her at work to get the history. Then after we are finished, we can call him/her back again to repeat the exact same instructions we just gave you.

If you are coming in for a second opinion, be sure to bring along no less than 50 pages of information that you have downloaded from the internet. This is far more important than any previous records, lab results, radiographs, etc. The doctor will be more than happy to sift through all this information and discuss it with you at length. The clients in the waiting room understand this and don't mind being 40 minutes late because your appointment time was only scheduled for 10 minutes. We understand that it's our fault when you have to pay twice to do lab work and radiographs that you had done at the other vet because we didn't have the records.

Be sure to insist we follow your breeder's recommendations, especially about anesthesia and vaccines. Our years of schooling and training really don't teach us anything so we appreciate the guidance. If the breeder doesn't know, don't forget to ask your groomer or your neighbor for the advice you need.

Give medications as you see fit. We just put instruction labels on because we think the label printer is really cool. We understand that when the condition doesn't improve because of this, it's our fault and not yours.

Always complain about the bill. We know our prices are too high. In general, we tend to be greedy and don't really care about your pet in the least. We really just want that Beverly Hills mansion instead.

Don't tell us that all the other vets had to muzzle your dog until after he/she tries to bite. It keeps our reflexes sharp. Besides, it's more of a challenge to attempt to muzzle a dog once he/she is all worked up. If your cat is hissing and upset, please put your hands and face as close to his/her mouth as possible. He/she would never bite you. If a bite did occur we realize it's all our fault, anyways.

Ignore the "employee only" signs. Just wander around as you please, stick your hand in all the cages, open all the drawers and cupboards. If your child is wandering around, we prefer him/her to be barefoot. Always ask to see all of the animals that are hospitalized. We realize that we are cheaper and more convenient than the nearest zoo, and would be happy to discuss with you in depth the diagnosis and treatment for the other pets here that you don't know. Make sure to ask to pet the other animals, especially the ones that are really sick and/or are in the isolation ward.

If your pet is sick please wait a minimum of three days before having him/her seen. A week is preferred. Be sure to exhaust all treatments available over the counter or at the pet store before bringing him/her in to be examined. Also the best time to call is on Friday afternoon or Saturday morning, especially the longer the problem has gone on.

Be sure to call 5 minutes before closing and tell us that it is an emergency after waiting a week. Then please complain when you are charged an emergency fee for coming in after hours. Our staff actually don't like their families that much and aren't in a rush to be with them.

Feel free to express your ideas about what is wrong with other clients' pets at the checkout counter. Feel free to tell them that whatever we have recommended is unnecessary and too expensive and can be easily fixed with a vitamin.

Please do not bring more than $20 with you and no credit cards or checkbooks. Our office manager previously worked in a pawn shop so she will be happy to appraise any piece of jewelry or household item. Payment plans are available, no interest for 6 months and we can send the bill to your ex-spouse for your convenience.

Please expect us to subsidize your pet's health care cost. You know we all became vets or work at the vet hospital because we love animals and want to help them. Since we are already doing what we love we don't expect to be paid for it. Our creditors will completely understand that because of this we can't pay our bills and we really don't like electricity, heat, food, or vehicles.

When you buy two female dogs from your breeder, expect and DEMAND a discount on their spays, because you deserve it for having two dogs. The same applies to cats as well.

Remember that, if you adopt male and female puppies from the same litter, you won't need to spay and neuter because brothers and sisters do not mate. That's gross.

If you are running late and have other errands to take care of, please drop off your pet at the front desk. Do not give us any more information than "needs some shots" or "isn't doing right". We'll have your prescription and pet ready for you to pick up within the hour, or next Tuesday.

We look forward to caring for your pet. If you, your neighbor, breeder, or groomer have any suggestions about what we can do to make life easier for you and more difficult for our staff, please do not hesitate to let us know.

Thank you,

Your Vet

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